1. |
disappear
04:51
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disappear, was never here
always looking from afar
still freak out when i think
of wanting to be where you are
swirl of dance and muffled lights
keep my jaw locked into place
disappear, was never here
always leave a little space
i’m overlapping
something in my chest it’s wanting more
i want to be there
nowhere near a voice i can't ignore
come and surround me
ritual for drowning in the air
i want to be there
lost and found and eating junk food
judging me
tripping over the smallest problem
i know you
you’re my memory
judging me
tripping over the smallest problem
i know you
look at me
hate myself for hating myself
all i write
one trick pony
all i hear
drinking beer and gallows humour
disappear, disappear
judging me
glossing over the bigger picture
i know you
you’re my nightmare
judging me
glossing over the bigger picture
i know you
what if i’m doomed to love you
and i’m too scared to stop
why won’t i ever slow down
why can’t i ever slow down
we’re in the future, so take me day by day
why won’t it all be over
why can’t it all be over
judging me
you know me
judging me
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2. |
if i'm there
06:00
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if you think there is light to save
i’m waiting for a light worth my time
painting on the wall for me
i can’t see who it’s from
if i’m there
please say
if i’m there
please say
if there’s virtue in making waves
i’ll tiptoe in the light
if, i’m there don’t speak for me
i’m inclined to disagree
if i’m there don’t light the flame
it’s not your name it’s not my name
if i’m there don’t, speak for me
if i’m there, if i’m there
if you tell me i’m not the one
there’s no need to be kind
if i’m there
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3. |
bruxism/hay fever
06:32
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i’m at the bus stop, 4am
there’s nothing to wait for
you say i’m quiet all the time
there’s nothing to wait for
i was wondering if we’ll meet again
glorify our teeth colliding
wondering, will we meet again
in that room we’re just a nightmare
strobe lights and crashing cars
that’s where my head’s at
"save me from happy smiles"
that’s where my head’s at
//
when a breeze blows through my hair
i feel the sunlight in the air
some side effects
i can’t breathe in through my nose and
life is hell but i suppose
it’s warm for now
i was wondering, will we meet again
you’re the song in my headache
there’s only so far i can fall
when i think of you at all
this time of year
well my eyes are devil red
i’ve never wanted to be dead
quite like i do now
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4. |
haunted
05:20
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i am haunted by my footsteps as i thread along the crowd
writing sentences i hope sound good when i sing them out loud
buy a candle in the summer dip my fingertips in wax
and i’ll look into the fire till i learn how to relax
a saturation of the things i do not have
you confronted me with silence, but i didn’t want to laugh
i’m at my desk in search for side effects for pills
i don’t want them to kill me but i find myself hoping that you will
it’s 7 in the morning it’s been bright for several hours
you’ve been snorting lines of ket and i just threw up in the shower
collapse into a sofa and i call a taxi home
it’s too beautiful a day for me to not spend it alone
too beautiful a day, too beautiful a day
i guess i must be friends with myself too
a saturation of the things i do not have
you confronted me with silence, but i didn’t want to laugh
my fingerprints in thimbles made of wax i put them back
the heat will melt it all away someday soon, in time, in time
i am haunted by the signs of pain i blissfully ignore
till i sneak away from everyone and curl up on the floor
a saturation of the things i do not have
you confronted me with silence, but i didn’t want to laugh
you tell me everything that i deserve to hear
i’m not sure that’s what love is for but still i hold you dear
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5. |
trepanning
05:25
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one of these days
i feel like one of these days i’m gonna give up on home
and where to find it
it was that summer night i passed out with my eyes open in your house
i find it jarring now, a room lived in for more than 5 years
but there’s not many people i can relate with
i wrote about what i knew back then
i knew what i was afraid of, but not how to say it out loud
i don’t know what i’m afraid of anymore
basic tasks
just to pass the time
both hands balled
curled up in a fist
push through the ice
holding breath, holding breath
“what will you remember about me?”
i used to ask
i valued my life through the chunks of other peoples’ perceptions
in fact, i very much still do
and in the future, after this is all gone
i will remember where i was, and how lost i felt
but it will all be clear to me then, when i project onto my past
now i know
now i know i wrote what i only thought i knew back then
and now i write about what i don’t know
but i’m starting to open up again
yes, yes, i’m starting to open up again
although sometimes, there is still a limit
to how comfortable, i can be
if i could dig a little deeper
and drill through my head to find it
but that’s left in ancient history
i’m running out of ways to say it
i’m running out of ways to say it
i’m running out of ways to say it’s all gone
every chance i had to save us
every chance i had to save us
all gone
it doesn’t have to be a bad thing
so why don’t i want it to happen
it doesn’t have to be a bad thing
but it doesn’t have to be all gone
save it all
the world inside your head
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6. |
endless window
02:17
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it’s hard to fight in dreams it’s like a fist through cushions
when i’m sleeping great i tend to shift position
and romanticise the here and now
no i’m lying and i don’t know how
you remind me of the devil on a visceral level
in a softer kind of hell
it’s so hard but i cannot tell
you’re so warm when you’re lying well
leave it in the past, so i’m told
keep it in the past, so i’m told
doesn’t work till i take it, again
face to face
leave it in the past, day by day
this isn’t who i am, anyway
doesn’t work unless i say it
again
body is a temple when it’s left to decay
crusty and congealed in a beautiful way
i romanticise my here and now
not lying cause i don’t know how
it’s hard to stop and think about an optimal future
hard to stay awake around that time of day
nights in may they get too cold for
running
i look for validation through the endless window
i take off my clothes and stay in bed
block out the song in my head on repeat
it’s all in your head it’s all in your head it’s not who you are it’s all in your head
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Jamie Crooks New Malden, UK
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